The Civil Wars have a song out right now named "Poison and Wine."
The chorus is a simple harmony with the repeated phrase "I don't love you, but I always will."
I am coming to realize that this is how I feel about Dancer. I don't love him, but I always will not love him. It's an oddly complicated feeling for a non-commital relationship.
And yeah... I am still having sex with him when our schedules permit. Damn him for being reasonable, discreet, and sexy.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Afterthoughts
After last weeks fracas, Dancer had a teaching workshop out of town. Before he left, I confirmed plans for dinner on Tuesday at 7. (Uh, that would be tomorrow as I type this.) And in the meantime, a friend of his from Seattle posted to his facebook, asking if he would listen to a story between 7:30/8 pm tomorrow (Uh, yeah, Tuesday) Dancer said yes. What the fuck!
Regardless, said post resulted in this email being sent:
The attachment was a screen grab of the post. I really don't need him and his thoughtless behavior. That is not how a friend behaves, regardless of sex being involved or not. At this point, I think I don't care what his response is. No - that's not quite true. I care to the point of getting an apology. I'll give him a week. No reply = unfriend and thanks for the memories.
Regardless, said post resulted in this email being sent:
<Dancer> see attached. Enjoy your friend's story. When you have some sense that perhaps a 7:30/8 pm phone call might conflict with dinner with another friend - consider apologizing. I'm done being an afterthought. I don't mean for this to be overly dramatic, but I really don't need a one-way friendship.
The attachment was a screen grab of the post. I really don't need him and his thoughtless behavior. That is not how a friend behaves, regardless of sex being involved or not. At this point, I think I don't care what his response is. No - that's not quite true. I care to the point of getting an apology. I'll give him a week. No reply = unfriend and thanks for the memories.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Awkwardness
So... Mathematica and Dancer did hook up.
The story from both sides: She fell for him. It wasn't reciprocated. She is hurt. He is baffled.
She has no (and never will have) idea that Dancer and I are friends with benefits. Girl code indicates that she made a claim to him. I remained silent. I continue to do so. He and I are friends.
All the same - it's decidedly awkward to recieve a note that both confirms and relieves the same worry.... "Did they have sex? And what does this mean for me?"
Yes. They did have sex. What it means for me is that she is hurt, and opting to not interact with him.
To analyze both of them (because I'm getting bored with my own bellybutton):
Mathematica deeply longs for a relationship, and for someone, anyone, to show an interest in her. So she pursues, elaborates, and never lets a guy have a chance to show his own interest. She says she knows how to be happy alone, but she doesn't.
Dancer wants to not be hurt, or confined by a relationship. He very much controls his words and actions to not mislead anyone he might become physically involved with. It will be friends with benefits, or it will not be. That's how he works, and protects himself. He is honest about it, I can't fault him for that. I can fault him for not recognizing infatuation in the form of bacon roses.
So there we are. Mathematica has subtracted herself from the picture, being too hurt to interact. IMO, that's a mistake. She is so uncertain of herself. I can see a part of me in her though, and so I have sympathy more than pity.
Where do things go next with Dancer? To dinner. To movies. To bed. After talking with him, I don't see a reason to change how things are at present. He will be a pleasant diversion when I can't be with Deity. And when I can be with Deity all the time... Dancer will gracefully retreat back to friend, as opposed to "Friend"
It will suffice.
The story from both sides: She fell for him. It wasn't reciprocated. She is hurt. He is baffled.
She has no (and never will have) idea that Dancer and I are friends with benefits. Girl code indicates that she made a claim to him. I remained silent. I continue to do so. He and I are friends.
All the same - it's decidedly awkward to recieve a note that both confirms and relieves the same worry.... "Did they have sex? And what does this mean for me?"
Yes. They did have sex. What it means for me is that she is hurt, and opting to not interact with him.
To analyze both of them (because I'm getting bored with my own bellybutton):
Mathematica deeply longs for a relationship, and for someone, anyone, to show an interest in her. So she pursues, elaborates, and never lets a guy have a chance to show his own interest. She says she knows how to be happy alone, but she doesn't.
Dancer wants to not be hurt, or confined by a relationship. He very much controls his words and actions to not mislead anyone he might become physically involved with. It will be friends with benefits, or it will not be. That's how he works, and protects himself. He is honest about it, I can't fault him for that. I can fault him for not recognizing infatuation in the form of bacon roses.
So there we are. Mathematica has subtracted herself from the picture, being too hurt to interact. IMO, that's a mistake. She is so uncertain of herself. I can see a part of me in her though, and so I have sympathy more than pity.
Where do things go next with Dancer? To dinner. To movies. To bed. After talking with him, I don't see a reason to change how things are at present. He will be a pleasant diversion when I can't be with Deity. And when I can be with Deity all the time... Dancer will gracefully retreat back to friend, as opposed to "Friend"
It will suffice.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Connecting Dots
Dot Number 1: Dancer
Dot Number 2: Mathematica (female acquaintance of mine, and a friend of Dancer from Gk2Gk)
Dot Number 3: Bacon Roses & Bourbon brownies
Dot Number 4: Mathematica's "tired but contented" smile post/comments
Known facts:
Mathematica has a crush on Dancer.
Dancer is not likely to turn down sex.
Assumption: They fucked.
What does that mean for me?
Well... I either need to ask the direct question of Dancer, or simply be done. Mathematica has no way of knowing that I was physically involved with Dancer. It's not something that I'd make public nor stake a claim of ownership.
I'm leaning toward simply being done. I don't need or want the drama. I am not a harem girl. I am worth the time and attention required to have a relationship beyond fuck buddy. Annnnnnd.... I already have that, with Deity. So it's time to be done with Dancer.
My pride says this is not something I will address until he asks to see me. Given the track record of I make the advances... it could be awhile. Dancer is used to things being easy. I am over making it easy for him.
Dot Number 2: Mathematica (female acquaintance of mine, and a friend of Dancer from Gk2Gk)
Dot Number 3: Bacon Roses & Bourbon brownies
Dot Number 4: Mathematica's "tired but contented" smile post/comments
Known facts:
Mathematica has a crush on Dancer.
Dancer is not likely to turn down sex.
Assumption: They fucked.
What does that mean for me?
Well... I either need to ask the direct question of Dancer, or simply be done. Mathematica has no way of knowing that I was physically involved with Dancer. It's not something that I'd make public nor stake a claim of ownership.
I'm leaning toward simply being done. I don't need or want the drama. I am not a harem girl. I am worth the time and attention required to have a relationship beyond fuck buddy. Annnnnnd.... I already have that, with Deity. So it's time to be done with Dancer.
My pride says this is not something I will address until he asks to see me. Given the track record of I make the advances... it could be awhile. Dancer is used to things being easy. I am over making it easy for him.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Australian
This story is one that was another lesson for me.... and while I try to forget, I haven't.
What lesson? When words and actions are not congruent, the actions speak the truth. I should not mistrust my instincts.
I had fun with Australian, no doubt. But I was also used, and put myself at some financial risk based on his "word." We are no longer in contact, and I am debating reporting him to the authorities. I haven't yet, because I am not sure of my motive. If it's vengeful, then I can't do it. If it's because of a sense of civic duty, then I should. Still debating.
Regardless of what I decide, he turned out to be a liar and a cheat to me, putting a pretty facade of "I care about an international crisis" on top of that.
What lesson? When words and actions are not congruent, the actions speak the truth. I should not mistrust my instincts.
I had fun with Australian, no doubt. But I was also used, and put myself at some financial risk based on his "word." We are no longer in contact, and I am debating reporting him to the authorities. I haven't yet, because I am not sure of my motive. If it's vengeful, then I can't do it. If it's because of a sense of civic duty, then I should. Still debating.
Regardless of what I decide, he turned out to be a liar and a cheat to me, putting a pretty facade of "I care about an international crisis" on top of that.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Pity, party of One
For as long as I can remember, when I hurt inside, I write.
Tonight, I'm hurting inside. It's a physical pain of sore muscles, a terrible headache, and a stiff neck and back. It's also an emotional pain of loneliness. It is human nature to want comfort in your hurts - and there is no one here except me tonight.
The man I want to have beside me is two hours away, and busy with work, and children, and school. I feel neglected, as he hasn't answered the two messages I've left yet - and pride will not let me send a third.
The man I'd settle for having beside me is only a fuck buddy. I daren't ask him to come over, because what I need is affectionate and healing touch - and I don't think he's ready to offer that to me.
So here I am - Pity, party of one. Sad, sore, aching, and lonely. I knew there would be days and nights like this when I left my marriage. I knew I had to be willing to face them. And I am. And I'm strong enough to survive this... it just hurts. I hurt. I want someone to care for me, and I hate the feeling that I'm not worth caring for. I know these thoughts are a legacy of that marriage I left - but oh my God... it's hard to get rid of them.
Tonight, I'm hurting inside. It's a physical pain of sore muscles, a terrible headache, and a stiff neck and back. It's also an emotional pain of loneliness. It is human nature to want comfort in your hurts - and there is no one here except me tonight.
The man I want to have beside me is two hours away, and busy with work, and children, and school. I feel neglected, as he hasn't answered the two messages I've left yet - and pride will not let me send a third.
The man I'd settle for having beside me is only a fuck buddy. I daren't ask him to come over, because what I need is affectionate and healing touch - and I don't think he's ready to offer that to me.
So here I am - Pity, party of one. Sad, sore, aching, and lonely. I knew there would be days and nights like this when I left my marriage. I knew I had to be willing to face them. And I am. And I'm strong enough to survive this... it just hurts. I hurt. I want someone to care for me, and I hate the feeling that I'm not worth caring for. I know these thoughts are a legacy of that marriage I left - but oh my God... it's hard to get rid of them.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Dinner
So.... I don't have a crush on him. But there's still a strong dose of lust.
The answer for now is that I will still date Deity, and he will have priority in scheduling plans. Until it's possible to live closer to Deity, I will be playing with Dancer. I don't anticipate anything long-term or serious with him, but it's hard to resist the physical pull. Until I make a permanent promise, I will be having fun with both of them.
The answer for now is that I will still date Deity, and he will have priority in scheduling plans. Until it's possible to live closer to Deity, I will be playing with Dancer. I don't anticipate anything long-term or serious with him, but it's hard to resist the physical pull. Until I make a permanent promise, I will be having fun with both of them.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Innoculations
In the past month of resuming a friendship with Dancer.... this is what I know now that I couldn't figure out when I was stuck in "lust/crush" mode with him.
He is happy with the life he has. It is a life that is fun, and carefree, and late nights with friends. It is a "fancier" life than the one I lead. This isn't bad. It's enjoyable. It's no strings attached. It's a life that appreciates fleeting beauty and moments of pleasure. It's not a deeply entwined life that gets richer with time. It's not the kind of life I want.
My internal analysis says that Dancer prefers his life this way, with tenuous emotional connection to "others" in order to keep himself separate, and private, and safe. He is self-contained. He enjoys people, but only to a certain degree of closeness, and it's best to not overstep the bounds he imposes. He has close friends, and he clearly adores them - so it's not that he doesn't have feelings - it's just that he's very very careful with them. It's entirely possible that he will find someone eventually that makes him want to let his guard down - but I know that I do not want to throw myself against defensive towers anymore. I did that in my marriage. I almost broke myself trying to get in. I don't need to do that again.
And it's also pride for me - if you want to be with me - be with me. Work for it. Make it happen. He has enough other options that he doesn't need to be the pursuer. But at the same time- I might need to be pursued. I'm worth the effort.
Those are my thoughts. At least some of them. Anyway - it is nice to know that being friends again was the right choice. It has helped me to get over my crush and see with open eyes.
He is happy with the life he has. It is a life that is fun, and carefree, and late nights with friends. It is a "fancier" life than the one I lead. This isn't bad. It's enjoyable. It's no strings attached. It's a life that appreciates fleeting beauty and moments of pleasure. It's not a deeply entwined life that gets richer with time. It's not the kind of life I want.
My internal analysis says that Dancer prefers his life this way, with tenuous emotional connection to "others" in order to keep himself separate, and private, and safe. He is self-contained. He enjoys people, but only to a certain degree of closeness, and it's best to not overstep the bounds he imposes. He has close friends, and he clearly adores them - so it's not that he doesn't have feelings - it's just that he's very very careful with them. It's entirely possible that he will find someone eventually that makes him want to let his guard down - but I know that I do not want to throw myself against defensive towers anymore. I did that in my marriage. I almost broke myself trying to get in. I don't need to do that again.
And it's also pride for me - if you want to be with me - be with me. Work for it. Make it happen. He has enough other options that he doesn't need to be the pursuer. But at the same time- I might need to be pursued. I'm worth the effort.
Those are my thoughts. At least some of them. Anyway - it is nice to know that being friends again was the right choice. It has helped me to get over my crush and see with open eyes.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Hot friend
Done. Told Dancer about dating Deity. (Deity has already heard about Dancer.) He took it well, and is fine (and fun!) about going forward as friends without benefits. I'm glad for this, as it will be good practice for being friends with someone even if a relationship didn't work out. And having a hot friend isn't all bad... as long as I am aware that it's also a bit like playing with fire.
We'll see how this goes.
We'll see how this goes.
Blind-sided
This week in my real identity - I joined google + to check it out and see if I will use it.
Within 10 minutes of creating my profile, Dancer had added me to his circles.
I had removed him as a friend on FB, because he's still hot, and I know I still have unresolved feelings for him, and I love Deity (who is so good for and to me.)
Dancer followed up with an email, and we've been exchanging polite notes for the past two days. I've disclosed this to Deity to hold myself accountable.
What I haven't disclosed is that my mind is racing, as is my pulse. I still have a crush on Dancer. I know it.
I know he's still single. I know he enjoyed my company. I'm pretty sure he's re-evaluating having a relationship with me based on our past interactions. These current interactions feel like an exploratory pursuit.
I am damning the timing, and the ridiculous nature of lust and want.
He and Deity are both great guys, in different ways. I sit here typing, contemplating what life with each might be like, acknowledging that emotionally, I am closer to Deity. We have so much in common, and he is so good to and for me. Much of the attraction Dancer holds is that I know him physically but there is still much about him to learn. I know the right thing to do - tell Dancer I'm seeing someone, and I could wish the timing was different - but it is so hard to do that because I do still -want- like him and I do want to know him more, and better. I don't know that I could just be his friend without wanting to be his lover.
Reminding myself of this sage advice from a friend - "You can't control your feelings. You can control your actions."
Self-control is good. Controlling ones actions is good. Now to figure out how to do the right thing.
Ah, men. Why can't you figure things out faster?
Ah, me. Why is it so hard to figure myself out faster?
Within 10 minutes of creating my profile, Dancer had added me to his circles.
I had removed him as a friend on FB, because he's still hot, and I know I still have unresolved feelings for him, and I love Deity (who is so good for and to me.)
Dancer followed up with an email, and we've been exchanging polite notes for the past two days. I've disclosed this to Deity to hold myself accountable.
What I haven't disclosed is that my mind is racing, as is my pulse. I still have a crush on Dancer. I know it.
I know he's still single. I know he enjoyed my company. I'm pretty sure he's re-evaluating having a relationship with me based on our past interactions. These current interactions feel like an exploratory pursuit.
I am damning the timing, and the ridiculous nature of lust and want.
He and Deity are both great guys, in different ways. I sit here typing, contemplating what life with each might be like, acknowledging that emotionally, I am closer to Deity. We have so much in common, and he is so good to and for me. Much of the attraction Dancer holds is that I know him physically but there is still much about him to learn. I know the right thing to do - tell Dancer I'm seeing someone, and I could wish the timing was different - but it is so hard to do that because I do still -want- like him and I do want to know him more, and better. I don't know that I could just be his friend without wanting to be his lover.
Reminding myself of this sage advice from a friend - "You can't control your feelings. You can control your actions."
Self-control is good. Controlling ones actions is good. Now to figure out how to do the right thing.
Ah, men. Why can't you figure things out faster?
Ah, me. Why is it so hard to figure myself out faster?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Drama
So... Drama.... so named because he teaches it not because he provides it.
I'm not even completely sure how to start this story. I was already physically involved with Deity when I arranged to meet Drama for a coffee / chat kind of date. At the time, I wasn't ready to give up on casual involvement with someone, and I know Deity wasn't ready to be exclusive either. Anyway, the timeline of the two men is intertwined.
Drama and I met for coffee / dessert on a late Sunday afternoon. I dropped the children off with their dad, then met him at the arranged place. I was a little late, he was a little early- but at least he waited. He was nervous, and it showed in the variety of dramatic accents he adopted as he told stories from his life. New Yorker, Brit, snobby Frenchman, irate Jewess.... it was amusing. Eventually, he settled down, and we told each other the stories of how we came to be married, then depressed, then separated. We laughed about the "distance-o-meter" of first dates.... if you sit across the table from your date - no way will you be kissing at the end of the night, and also about the different expectations for personal space in America and the rest of the world. The restaurant was closing - so we went across the street to a place where we could have a drink. By this time in the evening - we were flirting with each other a lot. We had an easy rapport, and vocabularies that lend themselves to innuendo. He got up to use the bathroom, and I checked my messages, because my phone had beeped.
There were two texts from Deity.... one wondering if he could come over since his daughters were both gone for the night, the second saying that he was in my driveway. (!) It's fair to say that had Deity not come over that night.... I'd have done more than make out with Drama in front of my van parked on the street in front of the restaurant. Drama is a fantastic kisser.
Thus concludes Part 1 of the story of Drama.
I'm not even completely sure how to start this story. I was already physically involved with Deity when I arranged to meet Drama for a coffee / chat kind of date. At the time, I wasn't ready to give up on casual involvement with someone, and I know Deity wasn't ready to be exclusive either. Anyway, the timeline of the two men is intertwined.
Drama and I met for coffee / dessert on a late Sunday afternoon. I dropped the children off with their dad, then met him at the arranged place. I was a little late, he was a little early- but at least he waited. He was nervous, and it showed in the variety of dramatic accents he adopted as he told stories from his life. New Yorker, Brit, snobby Frenchman, irate Jewess.... it was amusing. Eventually, he settled down, and we told each other the stories of how we came to be married, then depressed, then separated. We laughed about the "distance-o-meter" of first dates.... if you sit across the table from your date - no way will you be kissing at the end of the night, and also about the different expectations for personal space in America and the rest of the world. The restaurant was closing - so we went across the street to a place where we could have a drink. By this time in the evening - we were flirting with each other a lot. We had an easy rapport, and vocabularies that lend themselves to innuendo. He got up to use the bathroom, and I checked my messages, because my phone had beeped.
There were two texts from Deity.... one wondering if he could come over since his daughters were both gone for the night, the second saying that he was in my driveway. (!) It's fair to say that had Deity not come over that night.... I'd have done more than make out with Drama in front of my van parked on the street in front of the restaurant. Drama is a fantastic kisser.
Thus concludes Part 1 of the story of Drama.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Anniversary
This is one of those posts that has been a struggle to write. Why? Because I regret my actions. Because there's no way to justify or rationalize my behavior in any way that makes it congruent with my personal value system.
Getting the hard fact out of the way - I had an affair with a married man. I had no intention of anything beyond sex. I didn't want him to leave his wife. He didn't want to leave his wife. I just wanted sex, and so did he.
I am leaving out identifiable details of how and when and where I met Anniversary. My own honor prohibits sharing details that might lead to his identity and jeopardize a marriage. If they don't make it - I don't want it to be because of me.
The basics worth sharing are these - he is a man who is not happy in his life. He loves his wife. He loves his children. He doesn't want to hurt them. I met him when I was newly separated. We chatted frequently via IM, and within the context of a game. I call him Anniversary - because when that first wedding anniversary after I'd left my marriage arrived - my kids were with their dad. I had no job. I had no home. I had no sense that anything would ever work out. In a moment of "What the hell do I have to lose?" - I made a pass at him. He accepted it. It really was an opportunistic thing. A moment of moral weakness for me. A moment of escape for him.
I can't say this was a one-night stand. It was a short-lived affair. He's a great kisser. He has the bluest eyes ever. He's terrible in bed. I regret that too. Shameless thing to say - but it made it easy to not get emotionally attached to him, and easier to cut off contact when it became clear that *he* was starting to feel involved, and that his guilt was getting to be more than he knew how to deal with.
This was not me at my best. But it is part of me.
Getting the hard fact out of the way - I had an affair with a married man. I had no intention of anything beyond sex. I didn't want him to leave his wife. He didn't want to leave his wife. I just wanted sex, and so did he.
I am leaving out identifiable details of how and when and where I met Anniversary. My own honor prohibits sharing details that might lead to his identity and jeopardize a marriage. If they don't make it - I don't want it to be because of me.
The basics worth sharing are these - he is a man who is not happy in his life. He loves his wife. He loves his children. He doesn't want to hurt them. I met him when I was newly separated. We chatted frequently via IM, and within the context of a game. I call him Anniversary - because when that first wedding anniversary after I'd left my marriage arrived - my kids were with their dad. I had no job. I had no home. I had no sense that anything would ever work out. In a moment of "What the hell do I have to lose?" - I made a pass at him. He accepted it. It really was an opportunistic thing. A moment of moral weakness for me. A moment of escape for him.
I can't say this was a one-night stand. It was a short-lived affair. He's a great kisser. He has the bluest eyes ever. He's terrible in bed. I regret that too. Shameless thing to say - but it made it easy to not get emotionally attached to him, and easier to cut off contact when it became clear that *he* was starting to feel involved, and that his guilt was getting to be more than he knew how to deal with.
This was not me at my best. But it is part of me.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Dancer
Dancer.... oh... he was yummy. Actually, he still is yummy. This is one date that I think I will always remember with a smile of "Yeah.... I did that."
I met him on the dating site. Or really - he met me, sending me a note to introduce himself after I visited his profile. I loved his smile, and his sense of humor. He is a well known professional dance instructor, and a designer of specialty card games. I didn't find this out right away - as he is quite protective of his identity, given what he does for a living.
We flirted for a few weeks. I googled him, and ogled him via YouTube videos. We made arrangements to meet for dinner. (Read that as I asked him out.) It's harder than you'd think to schedule a date with a guy who has two jobs, and one of them as a dance professional. Anyway - finally ended up meeting him on January Saturday - the same one as the last date with Catholic.
Side note: That Saturday was the first time ever in my life that I had two different dates with two different guys. Both very attractive men. Both very enjoyable to spend time with. Still - given my conservative upbringing - no one in my immediate family has any idea that I would do such a thing. It's unlikely I'll ever tell them. Now, back to the story.
We went to eat at Tria, a restaurant in North Oaks. I hated all my clothes, wanting to look nice, but casual, and everything in my closet seemed to be too formal or too casual. So I went shopping at Goodwill and found a lovely beige wool sweater that was just right. Yeah, because there wasn't enough craziness going to St. Paul for lunch and needing to be in North Oaks for dinner. But.... Dancer .... I wanted to make a good impression.
He beat me to the restaurant by a few minutes, and was waiting when I got there. He's my height, which surprised me a little. I always expect guys I like to be taller than I am. But he also gave me a hug, and a wonderful grin. We ordered the same entree (scallops with risotto) and had white wine, and hilarious and entertaining conversations about favorite sci-fi authors, working for dot-coms before the first bubble burst, what life was like in high school... and the next thing I knew, it was almost 11 and the restaurant was closing. We split the bill, and he held my coat for me while we walked outside. I didn't kiss him. I did hug him. And in the parting conversation, we agreed that we should do it again.
Then came the challenge of scheduling when to do it again. We exchanged a few more casual messages. We flirted via email. I admitted that I should have kissed him after dinner. He agreed. I finally just invited him over for dinner and a movie at my house for the next Friday night that I didn't have my children.
I cooked Indian food. It snowed. He ended up being late. I gave him a tour of the main floor. We kissed in the kitchen. It was the kind of first kiss you hope for - not too hard, or too soft, or too fast, or too slow. A kiss of anticipation. I did not burn dinner. I made myself stop kissing him, and invited him to the table to eat. We talked about work, and how we ended up in our current jobs and other polite conversation. I was still thinking about kissing him again. (Confession.... I *still* think about that.)
After we finished eating - we cleared the dishes, then went to the living room to pick something to watch. It ended up being Season 1 of Red Dwarf - a funny and ridiculous BBC Sci/Fi comedy. That was possibly just an excuse to make out on the couch. I started the DVD, then sat down next to him, and snuggled in between his arm and chest, so my head could rest on his shoulder. And then he smelled good... and then I needed to taste him, so I kissed his neck. Which led to kissing his lips. Which led to groping each other through our clothes. And then under our clothes. I put his hand down my pants... I don't think he'd have done it himself. I came. Then pants seemed stupid, so we gave up on pants, and I stroked him while he stroked me, and I came again. Then I asked if I could ride him, and he said yes.... so I did.... and it felt ridiculously good to feel him sliding inside of me. Yes. I fucked him on my couch. It was fun, and messy, and wonderfully satisfying. I have no idea how many episodes of Red Dwarf we didn't actually see.... but it was nice to sit half-naked on a couch with a man and watch a geeky comedy. I hadn't realized until this night how much I missed the physical contact of skin to skin.
Dancer couldn't stay late, as he had to catch an early flight to Chicago the next day for a dance workshop. We went upstairs to my bed before he left.... and that was fantastic too.
And then...
Monday arrived. We'd both had time to realize we'd not compared notes on sexual history. We hadn't used a condom (Yeah... that could have been BAD. It wasn't. Thanks, Mirena.) We hadn't talked about what we expected, or wanted in a relationship. There was my discovery of his second profile on the dating site.... which had a reasonable explanation as a "test" profile. Anyway - reality hit. We weren't right for each other, we had different wants for a next relationship, and that was it. Two great dates and very possibly the only one-night stand I will ever have in my life.
Do I regret it? No. Will I ever? Probably not. Was I bummed that things didn't work out? Yes, at first. Dancer is smart, and funny, and charming, and sexy as hell.... but he is not ready to be the kind of man I want in my life. So I will be grateful for the memory.... and maybe I will take some dance lessons.
I met him on the dating site. Or really - he met me, sending me a note to introduce himself after I visited his profile. I loved his smile, and his sense of humor. He is a well known professional dance instructor, and a designer of specialty card games. I didn't find this out right away - as he is quite protective of his identity, given what he does for a living.
We flirted for a few weeks. I googled him, and ogled him via YouTube videos. We made arrangements to meet for dinner. (Read that as I asked him out.) It's harder than you'd think to schedule a date with a guy who has two jobs, and one of them as a dance professional. Anyway - finally ended up meeting him on January Saturday - the same one as the last date with Catholic.
Side note: That Saturday was the first time ever in my life that I had two different dates with two different guys. Both very attractive men. Both very enjoyable to spend time with. Still - given my conservative upbringing - no one in my immediate family has any idea that I would do such a thing. It's unlikely I'll ever tell them. Now, back to the story.
We went to eat at Tria, a restaurant in North Oaks. I hated all my clothes, wanting to look nice, but casual, and everything in my closet seemed to be too formal or too casual. So I went shopping at Goodwill and found a lovely beige wool sweater that was just right. Yeah, because there wasn't enough craziness going to St. Paul for lunch and needing to be in North Oaks for dinner. But.... Dancer .... I wanted to make a good impression.
He beat me to the restaurant by a few minutes, and was waiting when I got there. He's my height, which surprised me a little. I always expect guys I like to be taller than I am. But he also gave me a hug, and a wonderful grin. We ordered the same entree (scallops with risotto) and had white wine, and hilarious and entertaining conversations about favorite sci-fi authors, working for dot-coms before the first bubble burst, what life was like in high school... and the next thing I knew, it was almost 11 and the restaurant was closing. We split the bill, and he held my coat for me while we walked outside. I didn't kiss him. I did hug him. And in the parting conversation, we agreed that we should do it again.
Then came the challenge of scheduling when to do it again. We exchanged a few more casual messages. We flirted via email. I admitted that I should have kissed him after dinner. He agreed. I finally just invited him over for dinner and a movie at my house for the next Friday night that I didn't have my children.
I cooked Indian food. It snowed. He ended up being late. I gave him a tour of the main floor. We kissed in the kitchen. It was the kind of first kiss you hope for - not too hard, or too soft, or too fast, or too slow. A kiss of anticipation. I did not burn dinner. I made myself stop kissing him, and invited him to the table to eat. We talked about work, and how we ended up in our current jobs and other polite conversation. I was still thinking about kissing him again. (Confession.... I *still* think about that.)
After we finished eating - we cleared the dishes, then went to the living room to pick something to watch. It ended up being Season 1 of Red Dwarf - a funny and ridiculous BBC Sci/Fi comedy. That was possibly just an excuse to make out on the couch. I started the DVD, then sat down next to him, and snuggled in between his arm and chest, so my head could rest on his shoulder. And then he smelled good... and then I needed to taste him, so I kissed his neck. Which led to kissing his lips. Which led to groping each other through our clothes. And then under our clothes. I put his hand down my pants... I don't think he'd have done it himself. I came. Then pants seemed stupid, so we gave up on pants, and I stroked him while he stroked me, and I came again. Then I asked if I could ride him, and he said yes.... so I did.... and it felt ridiculously good to feel him sliding inside of me. Yes. I fucked him on my couch. It was fun, and messy, and wonderfully satisfying. I have no idea how many episodes of Red Dwarf we didn't actually see.... but it was nice to sit half-naked on a couch with a man and watch a geeky comedy. I hadn't realized until this night how much I missed the physical contact of skin to skin.
Dancer couldn't stay late, as he had to catch an early flight to Chicago the next day for a dance workshop. We went upstairs to my bed before he left.... and that was fantastic too.
And then...
Monday arrived. We'd both had time to realize we'd not compared notes on sexual history. We hadn't used a condom (Yeah... that could have been BAD. It wasn't. Thanks, Mirena.) We hadn't talked about what we expected, or wanted in a relationship. There was my discovery of his second profile on the dating site.... which had a reasonable explanation as a "test" profile. Anyway - reality hit. We weren't right for each other, we had different wants for a next relationship, and that was it. Two great dates and very possibly the only one-night stand I will ever have in my life.
Do I regret it? No. Will I ever? Probably not. Was I bummed that things didn't work out? Yes, at first. Dancer is smart, and funny, and charming, and sexy as hell.... but he is not ready to be the kind of man I want in my life. So I will be grateful for the memory.... and maybe I will take some dance lessons.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Latinos
Back to the medieval kingdom game with this post. After the whole messy affair with Liege ended... I left that alliance, and drifted around for a while. I spent time in the castle of a female friend, and through her - eventually fell into a new alliance. One of the co-founders of that alliance was Anniversary ... and yes... you'll hear about him later. That alliance also came with some very flirty Latinos. These were fling similar to the Lordlings, but there is much to be said for the ardor of Hispanic men when sex and love are involved
- Spaniard, a 28 year old who worked on a holiday island off the coast of Spain
- Mexican, a 34 year old programmer who was publicly involved with a different alliance member
- Venezuala - a married 34 year old with a ridiculous sense of humor in multiple languages.
Spaniard needed help rescuing a vassal one day when he was out in war. I acted as his bank, and sent reinforcements for him. I can't help but flirt, and nearly every day after that, he would post a romantic love song or leave a flirty note for me somewhere, asking me to be his. He'd serenade me in Spanish when we'd have private chats together. Of all of the flirtations I had online, I think I was the most careful with him - because he was so young, and so sincere in his affection. I didn't want to make him jaded. He still sends me notes sometimes - but I can't let myself reply. I will never move to Spain, and he will eventually find a good Spanish Catholic woman to marry and have lots of babies with.
Mexican - Hmm..... he was much like Wolf. Intelligent. Brilliantly sarcastic. Carnal. It pains me to admit this... but I wanted him more because he was someone else's. She didn't really want him, and I knew it. So... I'd let Spaniard flirt with me in public, and I'd tease him... and when I wanted to play - I'd go find Mexican.... and play dirty. It was ridiculously hot and we couldn't tell anyone. He stayed late at his office more than once to listen to me cum via Skype chat. It's still an arousing memory. Argh. It's good that he lives far far away.
Venezuela - Funny. Charming. Sassy. Silly. Married. And to my chagrin, he fell in love with me for real so I had to end things. He called me on my birthday this year, to wish me well, and say that he misses me, and that his wife was leaving him. He wanted to know if he could hope to visit me next winter. I couldn't answer immediately, because it was such a surprise. It was just when things with Deity were taking a turn toward more serious, and I had gone out with Drama, and introduced myself to Viking. Eventually, I had to let him know that I wanted him to be happy, but for my own sake, I was dating people closer to me and couldn't let myself be in a relationship where SO much distance was involved. He wrote back, a very passionate appeal that he would love me anyway, and had confidence that someday, somehow, we would be together. Hot-blooded romantic bastard. I hope he finds someone perfect for him. I know it isn't me.
- Spaniard, a 28 year old who worked on a holiday island off the coast of Spain
- Mexican, a 34 year old programmer who was publicly involved with a different alliance member
- Venezuala - a married 34 year old with a ridiculous sense of humor in multiple languages.
Spaniard needed help rescuing a vassal one day when he was out in war. I acted as his bank, and sent reinforcements for him. I can't help but flirt, and nearly every day after that, he would post a romantic love song or leave a flirty note for me somewhere, asking me to be his. He'd serenade me in Spanish when we'd have private chats together. Of all of the flirtations I had online, I think I was the most careful with him - because he was so young, and so sincere in his affection. I didn't want to make him jaded. He still sends me notes sometimes - but I can't let myself reply. I will never move to Spain, and he will eventually find a good Spanish Catholic woman to marry and have lots of babies with.
Mexican - Hmm..... he was much like Wolf. Intelligent. Brilliantly sarcastic. Carnal. It pains me to admit this... but I wanted him more because he was someone else's. She didn't really want him, and I knew it. So... I'd let Spaniard flirt with me in public, and I'd tease him... and when I wanted to play - I'd go find Mexican.... and play dirty. It was ridiculously hot and we couldn't tell anyone. He stayed late at his office more than once to listen to me cum via Skype chat. It's still an arousing memory. Argh. It's good that he lives far far away.
Venezuela - Funny. Charming. Sassy. Silly. Married. And to my chagrin, he fell in love with me for real so I had to end things. He called me on my birthday this year, to wish me well, and say that he misses me, and that his wife was leaving him. He wanted to know if he could hope to visit me next winter. I couldn't answer immediately, because it was such a surprise. It was just when things with Deity were taking a turn toward more serious, and I had gone out with Drama, and introduced myself to Viking. Eventually, I had to let him know that I wanted him to be happy, but for my own sake, I was dating people closer to me and couldn't let myself be in a relationship where SO much distance was involved. He wrote back, a very passionate appeal that he would love me anyway, and had confidence that someday, somehow, we would be together. Hot-blooded romantic bastard. I hope he finds someone perfect for him. I know it isn't me.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Catholic
Catholic was not the first guy who messaged me after I joined the online dating site - that dubious honor belongs to a rather handsome 21 year old who was looking for a cougar/ sugar mama to fuck - but he was the first one I went out with.
At the time, Catholic was recently separated from his wife, and they were working through details of separation and custody and support. We have something in common there. His work experience and skills were similar to mine - another thing in common, though we took different paths to get there.
We exchanged a few messages, and I finally just asked him out to see TRON: Legacy. It was a movie I was interested in, and those kinds of movies are more fun with company. Also, it gave me plans for New Year's Eve. No one wants to be the lame single person with no plans on New Year's Eve. He said yes. (Well duh. If I can't be convincing with my words - I'm totally in the wrong profession)
We met at the movie theater. On my way there, my windshield cracked because of temperature differentials, and he was running late. Both understandable, because freezing rain was falling that night. (Random venting: This was one of the longer, snowiest, worst winters in Minn. history.) After we'd both arrived safely, we checked the time for the movie, then went to the restaurant next door for a quick meal, and a short chat.
I learned that he majored in German and International Business, but worked as an information architect. He learned that I was nervous because it was my first "date" post separation. (Side note - this is a half truth. More on that in future posts regarding Anniversary and Australian.) We compared notes on families, and separations, and the divorce process. I learned that he has 7 kids - the oldest in college, the youngest a year younger than my son. 7! Kids! I didn't even need to ask if he was Catholic.
We finished the meal. We went to the movie. Special effects in TRON: Legacy are phenomenal. The story line and acting are both lame. That's my opinion. But, we had fun watching it, and it was enjoyable to sit next to someone and comment on bad sci-fi. After the movie, we went out for dessert at an Italian restaurant also in walking distance from the theater. We had wine, he got panne cotta and I got an wonderful apple tart. Mmmmm..... it was delicious. We talked some more... about post-partum depression, about marriages falling apart.... about what got broken, and how. It was comfortable.
Then, it was late, and time to go home. I hugged him, said thanks, and said it would be nice to do again. No kissing - but the hug felt good.
He emailed me later that week to see if I was available the following weekend. I said yes - but scheduled him for lunch, not dinner... I'd already made plans to meet Dancer for dinner the following Saturday. (Yes - future post on that too.)
We met at Cafe Latte. The conversation was fine. We walked along Grand Avenue, window shopping for awhile - then I saw The Red Balloon. It's a children's bookstore, and it's just a fun and awesome place to shop. We went inside, and had a great time sharing favorite books with each other. Full disclosure - I am in love with Mo Willems genius illustrations and story telling skills, and I am not ashamed to share that love and passion with other parents.
Yes - I totally made him read Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed. I'm just cool like that. He ended up buying it
for his kids. I picked up Louise, the Adventures of a Chicken. It was unexpectedly fun. Then we went out for coffee, and talked about college classes, and professors, and fun vacations until both of us realized that OMG it's late and we both had other places to be.
And then what? Well.... then we were going to meet again for a quick dinner, but when I called to confirm, first I didn't get an answer, and then I got his son, and then I got the feeling that he had other things to deal with. So we never did go on a third date.
He recently rejoined the dating site after turning his profile off for awhile. He sent me a note to check in, but I'd already committed to being exclusive with Deity by that point. I don't know.... he's nice, he's polite, he has impeccable manners - but he feels more like a friend than a romance. These are things you learn, I guess... that not every date is going to be sparkling, even if it is pleasant.
At the time, Catholic was recently separated from his wife, and they were working through details of separation and custody and support. We have something in common there. His work experience and skills were similar to mine - another thing in common, though we took different paths to get there.
We exchanged a few messages, and I finally just asked him out to see TRON: Legacy. It was a movie I was interested in, and those kinds of movies are more fun with company. Also, it gave me plans for New Year's Eve. No one wants to be the lame single person with no plans on New Year's Eve. He said yes. (Well duh. If I can't be convincing with my words - I'm totally in the wrong profession)
We met at the movie theater. On my way there, my windshield cracked because of temperature differentials, and he was running late. Both understandable, because freezing rain was falling that night. (Random venting: This was one of the longer, snowiest, worst winters in Minn. history.) After we'd both arrived safely, we checked the time for the movie, then went to the restaurant next door for a quick meal, and a short chat.
I learned that he majored in German and International Business, but worked as an information architect. He learned that I was nervous because it was my first "date" post separation. (Side note - this is a half truth. More on that in future posts regarding Anniversary and Australian.) We compared notes on families, and separations, and the divorce process. I learned that he has 7 kids - the oldest in college, the youngest a year younger than my son. 7! Kids! I didn't even need to ask if he was Catholic.
We finished the meal. We went to the movie. Special effects in TRON: Legacy are phenomenal. The story line and acting are both lame. That's my opinion. But, we had fun watching it, and it was enjoyable to sit next to someone and comment on bad sci-fi. After the movie, we went out for dessert at an Italian restaurant also in walking distance from the theater. We had wine, he got panne cotta and I got an wonderful apple tart. Mmmmm..... it was delicious. We talked some more... about post-partum depression, about marriages falling apart.... about what got broken, and how. It was comfortable.
Then, it was late, and time to go home. I hugged him, said thanks, and said it would be nice to do again. No kissing - but the hug felt good.
He emailed me later that week to see if I was available the following weekend. I said yes - but scheduled him for lunch, not dinner... I'd already made plans to meet Dancer for dinner the following Saturday. (Yes - future post on that too.)
We met at Cafe Latte. The conversation was fine. We walked along Grand Avenue, window shopping for awhile - then I saw The Red Balloon. It's a children's bookstore, and it's just a fun and awesome place to shop. We went inside, and had a great time sharing favorite books with each other. Full disclosure - I am in love with Mo Willems genius illustrations and story telling skills, and I am not ashamed to share that love and passion with other parents.
Yes - I totally made him read Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed. I'm just cool like that. He ended up buying it
for his kids. I picked up Louise, the Adventures of a Chicken. It was unexpectedly fun. Then we went out for coffee, and talked about college classes, and professors, and fun vacations until both of us realized that OMG it's late and we both had other places to be.
And then what? Well.... then we were going to meet again for a quick dinner, but when I called to confirm, first I didn't get an answer, and then I got his son, and then I got the feeling that he had other things to deal with. So we never did go on a third date.
He recently rejoined the dating site after turning his profile off for awhile. He sent me a note to check in, but I'd already committed to being exclusive with Deity by that point. I don't know.... he's nice, he's polite, he has impeccable manners - but he feels more like a friend than a romance. These are things you learn, I guess... that not every date is going to be sparkling, even if it is pleasant.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Git
This will be short.... I only went out with Git once. It was sufficient.
I met him on the dating site too, and sent him a message because he was reading the Hunger Games. (LOVED that book... the ending of the series, well... not quite as good in my estimation, but I digress.)
Git had an interesting profile. We exchanged a few messages, and he finally just asked to meet for coffee, claiming a broken "h" on his keyboard. I agreed, because truly - I'd rather meet in person than spend hours at the keyboard. I've done that enough already! Real life! Please!!
But, he had to reschedule the first time, based on a last minute, unexpected project at work. I agreed, gave him some alternate dates, and he picked the first one. It was rather flattering.
We finally ended up meeting at The Good Earth - the Monday after that first weekend in bed with Deity. To put in bluntly and literally - I was fucking tired. He ended up being a little late, which frazzled him - and I'd not given him a phone number to use in case of late. So, okay, fine. I waited.
We sat down, he was starving, and unable to discuss much of anything until he'd decided on food. After that, he asked if I had Kleenex to put his gum in. You know, because moms always have extra tissues. Uhh... except not in their "Date" purse!!! My interest level kept decreasing.
Dinner itself was fine... we talked about Russian novelists, working with nursing programs, things that are funny or not funny... and that's when the deal-breaker came. Git didn't find flatulence amusing. The end.
We did laugh a lot. And it was a nice evening. He paid for dinner. And that was it. I followed up with a "Thanks, it was nice, but not interested" email.
Fart jokes. Yep.
I met him on the dating site too, and sent him a message because he was reading the Hunger Games. (LOVED that book... the ending of the series, well... not quite as good in my estimation, but I digress.)
Git had an interesting profile. We exchanged a few messages, and he finally just asked to meet for coffee, claiming a broken "h" on his keyboard. I agreed, because truly - I'd rather meet in person than spend hours at the keyboard. I've done that enough already! Real life! Please!!
But, he had to reschedule the first time, based on a last minute, unexpected project at work. I agreed, gave him some alternate dates, and he picked the first one. It was rather flattering.
We finally ended up meeting at The Good Earth - the Monday after that first weekend in bed with Deity. To put in bluntly and literally - I was fucking tired. He ended up being a little late, which frazzled him - and I'd not given him a phone number to use in case of late. So, okay, fine. I waited.
We sat down, he was starving, and unable to discuss much of anything until he'd decided on food. After that, he asked if I had Kleenex to put his gum in. You know, because moms always have extra tissues. Uhh... except not in their "Date" purse!!! My interest level kept decreasing.
Dinner itself was fine... we talked about Russian novelists, working with nursing programs, things that are funny or not funny... and that's when the deal-breaker came. Git didn't find flatulence amusing. The end.
We did laugh a lot. And it was a nice evening. He paid for dinner. And that was it. I followed up with a "Thanks, it was nice, but not interested" email.
Fart jokes. Yep.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Drama
I haven't told the story about meeting Drama yet. But he called last night, unexpectedly. And I've missed him. He stepped back from a relationship after learning that I was having sex with Deity... and backed further off when I told him Deity had asked to be exclusive.
He and Deity are remarkably similar in upbringing, and according to the match algorithms of the site where I met both of them - remarkably similar men. Both of them turn me on with their quick wit, and sense of humor.
I should tell this story soon. But for now, I am mulling over the quandary of physical distance but emotional closeness.... and emotional distance but physical closeness. It would be fantastic to have physical AND emotional closeness... but I'm not sure Drama is the guy for that. However, his phone call is making me think of Viking - who I am still ignoring, because I have to.
Stupid men.
He and Deity are remarkably similar in upbringing, and according to the match algorithms of the site where I met both of them - remarkably similar men. Both of them turn me on with their quick wit, and sense of humor.
I should tell this story soon. But for now, I am mulling over the quandary of physical distance but emotional closeness.... and emotional distance but physical closeness. It would be fantastic to have physical AND emotional closeness... but I'm not sure Drama is the guy for that. However, his phone call is making me think of Viking - who I am still ignoring, because I have to.
Stupid men.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Lordlings
Recall that game about castles, and kingdoms, and liege lines? Yes.... we're back to that with this post.
You may have heard the phrase that war makes for strange bedfellows. It's true. War games also lead to an adrenaline rush that is rather addictive, and a turn on. (Admittedly, not for everyone - but well... geek, it's in me.)
A bit more about that game... if you're going to war, you bring a buddy to support you, boost your defenses, watch your back, etc. And you usually end up chatting via IM to pass the time if you are both stuck in boring bracket. Given that it's a war game, and most of the active players were male... well, flirting - it happens.
While playing ... I had brief online flings with Farmer, Marine, Hacker, Train, Sailor, Dane, Lion, and Wolf.... not their real names, but related to their avatars. Sadly - these are the Lordlings who were just playthings. None of them knew of each other, and they weren't simultaneous affairs... usually only 2 flirtations at any given time, not including Liege.
Farmer
Farmer was an alliance member. He owned a farm, worked as a lab chemist, was a former football player, and was stuck in a loveless marriage to a woman who didn't care about him. He was a horribly kinky SOB, describing threesomes and having a bit of a bondage fetish. He fancied himself a loyal knight of his liege - but in the end, he had serious issues around trust and betrayal, and a temper that led me to ignore him.
Marine
Marine fell in love with me. That wasn't good. He was also the first man who ever sent me an unsolicited picture of his hard cock. Classy? No. Hilarious? Yes.
Hacker
Hacker was a very devout Christian. He'd actually studied theology, with the intent to become a pastor. He opted not to continue that path when his wife got pregnant with their first, and instead became a programmer and network administrator. We seduced each other with storytelling - all hypothetical. I ended it when he got too needy, and his wife got pregnant with their fourth child.
Train
Train was in the middle of a divorce when I met him. He was the first person outside of a small group of friends that knew how shitty my life had gotten - that I was unemployed, living in my parents basement, and trying to make sense of my life and find a job, and a place to live. We kept each other company a few nights, when we'd feel especially lonely. He is geographically near enough to have met in person, but I never did. For my own self - I didn't want to ruin the companionship. And honestly, at the time, it felt safer to just do cyber-sex instead of dealing with the emotional entanglement that comes with physical contact.
Sailor
For Sailor, I was just another port in a storm. He was a charmer, and I think had multiple online partners. It was just fun, and never serious. I'd flirt with him when I was bored, and he would do the same with me.
Lion
Hmm... where to start with this one? Lion believed in chivalrous love, and wanted me to be his queen consort within the game - his fair maiden who needed protection. It was fun for awhile to pretend.... but, he'd feel guilty, and get shy... and well - I didn't want that. Had it been a real castle - he'd have left roses and poorly written poetry in places where I visited. Apparently, I am not very romantic after all.
Wolf
I don't know where to start with this one either. Wolf and I were just.. carnal. If I knew I'd be going to war at the same time he was, I often didn't even bother wearing underwear. It was raw, and dirty, and probably one of the hottest virtual flings I have ever had. It sizzled, then fizzled, and I don't regret it at all.
Were I actually alive in medieval times, I'd likely have been a courtesan. As you can tell from most of these descriptions - the guys who played the game were also somewhat lost in life, and looking for a place with a friendly voice, and someone to listen, and have fun with. Really, I think that's why all of us played. Real life was far more shitty than playing a game was.
You may have heard the phrase that war makes for strange bedfellows. It's true. War games also lead to an adrenaline rush that is rather addictive, and a turn on. (Admittedly, not for everyone - but well... geek, it's in me.)
A bit more about that game... if you're going to war, you bring a buddy to support you, boost your defenses, watch your back, etc. And you usually end up chatting via IM to pass the time if you are both stuck in boring bracket. Given that it's a war game, and most of the active players were male... well, flirting - it happens.
While playing ... I had brief online flings with Farmer, Marine, Hacker, Train, Sailor, Dane, Lion, and Wolf.... not their real names, but related to their avatars. Sadly - these are the Lordlings who were just playthings. None of them knew of each other, and they weren't simultaneous affairs... usually only 2 flirtations at any given time, not including Liege.
Farmer
Farmer was an alliance member. He owned a farm, worked as a lab chemist, was a former football player, and was stuck in a loveless marriage to a woman who didn't care about him. He was a horribly kinky SOB, describing threesomes and having a bit of a bondage fetish. He fancied himself a loyal knight of his liege - but in the end, he had serious issues around trust and betrayal, and a temper that led me to ignore him.
Marine
Marine fell in love with me. That wasn't good. He was also the first man who ever sent me an unsolicited picture of his hard cock. Classy? No. Hilarious? Yes.
Hacker
Hacker was a very devout Christian. He'd actually studied theology, with the intent to become a pastor. He opted not to continue that path when his wife got pregnant with their first, and instead became a programmer and network administrator. We seduced each other with storytelling - all hypothetical. I ended it when he got too needy, and his wife got pregnant with their fourth child.
Train
Train was in the middle of a divorce when I met him. He was the first person outside of a small group of friends that knew how shitty my life had gotten - that I was unemployed, living in my parents basement, and trying to make sense of my life and find a job, and a place to live. We kept each other company a few nights, when we'd feel especially lonely. He is geographically near enough to have met in person, but I never did. For my own self - I didn't want to ruin the companionship. And honestly, at the time, it felt safer to just do cyber-sex instead of dealing with the emotional entanglement that comes with physical contact.
Sailor
For Sailor, I was just another port in a storm. He was a charmer, and I think had multiple online partners. It was just fun, and never serious. I'd flirt with him when I was bored, and he would do the same with me.
Lion
Hmm... where to start with this one? Lion believed in chivalrous love, and wanted me to be his queen consort within the game - his fair maiden who needed protection. It was fun for awhile to pretend.... but, he'd feel guilty, and get shy... and well - I didn't want that. Had it been a real castle - he'd have left roses and poorly written poetry in places where I visited. Apparently, I am not very romantic after all.
Wolf
I don't know where to start with this one either. Wolf and I were just.. carnal. If I knew I'd be going to war at the same time he was, I often didn't even bother wearing underwear. It was raw, and dirty, and probably one of the hottest virtual flings I have ever had. It sizzled, then fizzled, and I don't regret it at all.
Were I actually alive in medieval times, I'd likely have been a courtesan. As you can tell from most of these descriptions - the guys who played the game were also somewhat lost in life, and looking for a place with a friendly voice, and someone to listen, and have fun with. Really, I think that's why all of us played. Real life was far more shitty than playing a game was.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Guy
It's still Deity.
How do I know? Two reasons... first, being when I talked to him about all of my freaking out thoughts of the past week his reply was simply "If you think you need to explore that possible other relationship, you should." Completely willing to let me go, and therefore, I am not stuck. Second, if Viking *was* interested in something serious, and felt a stronger connection than just lust... he would have said so. But his communication, while flirty, and enticing, was ultimately not encouraging a relationship.
It's amazing what honest communication can do for a girl.
How do I know? Two reasons... first, being when I talked to him about all of my freaking out thoughts of the past week his reply was simply "If you think you need to explore that possible other relationship, you should." Completely willing to let me go, and therefore, I am not stuck. Second, if Viking *was* interested in something serious, and felt a stronger connection than just lust... he would have said so. But his communication, while flirty, and enticing, was ultimately not encouraging a relationship.
It's amazing what honest communication can do for a girl.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Viking - part 2
So there's that about Deity...
And Viking is provoking additional thoughts. I sent him an email, challenging him to not ignore his heart. To my surprise - he replied, because he knew I'd seen the dodge in his first answer.
His second reply caught me off-guard, and is causing me to re-think how I am viewing relationships right now, and if I am being fair to Deity:
Which makes me think this - Shit. I want to believe that I commit fully. But meeting Viking is making me question if I can do that with Deity - who has asked me to be exclusive, and verbalized that he loves me.... the night before I met Viking in person.
I feel like the most fickle woman in the world this week. I know I could have a good life with Deity. I know we are compatible. And yet... while I enjoy the things we do in bed....
I kissed Viking good night after our date - and I keep remembering how soft his lips felt against mine. I want that feeling again. That kiss was nothing like Deity's kisses. Is one of them only lust? Are they both only lust? Actually - I do fine with lust - that's easy to define, and let go when it ends. It's love that I think I'm crap with.
I will have to discuss this situation with Deity this weekend. There are no guarantees of anything with Viking - unless I am not involved with someone else. These are both "All In" kinds of guys. Son of a bitch, I wish this was easier.
And Viking is provoking additional thoughts. I sent him an email, challenging him to not ignore his heart. To my surprise - he replied, because he knew I'd seen the dodge in his first answer.
His second reply caught me off-guard, and is causing me to re-think how I am viewing relationships right now, and if I am being fair to Deity:
anyway - here is my worry - your current beau - he deserves your full attention - I do not want to be presumptuous or conceited - but can you fully commit to exploring the possibilities with him if you feel possibility with me?
I've been down that road (many years ago) and it SUCKS. I've been in relationships where I didn't commit to my current relationship because my reptile brain always thought - "well heck I have a backup!"
The most important thing I have learned in 45 years of living - in professional life, be polite, professional and have a backup plan to control/destroy/eliminate everyone you meet - in relationships - that backup plan results in your own control/destruction/elimination - in relationships you must be willing to commit fully - throw caution to the wind - else you are better off not committing at all.
Which makes me think this - Shit. I want to believe that I commit fully. But meeting Viking is making me question if I can do that with Deity - who has asked me to be exclusive, and verbalized that he loves me.... the night before I met Viking in person.
I feel like the most fickle woman in the world this week. I know I could have a good life with Deity. I know we are compatible. And yet... while I enjoy the things we do in bed....
I kissed Viking good night after our date - and I keep remembering how soft his lips felt against mine. I want that feeling again. That kiss was nothing like Deity's kisses. Is one of them only lust? Are they both only lust? Actually - I do fine with lust - that's easy to define, and let go when it ends. It's love that I think I'm crap with.
I will have to discuss this situation with Deity this weekend. There are no guarantees of anything with Viking - unless I am not involved with someone else. These are both "All In" kinds of guys. Son of a bitch, I wish this was easier.
Deity
Deity got his nickname from some of the skills he has.... carpentry, teacher, and a beard. Jesus anyone? These are the random things that come from discussing dates with friends who happen to be co-workers.
Anyway.......
So far, Deity is THE GUY.... and I mentally follow that with a whole string of "However..." like the fact that he lives 95 miles away. And he's in school. And he's basically broke because of school. And his ex doesn't pay child support. And he's good in bed, but I can't have him every night when my kids aren't with me. Gas prices and distance are NOT convenient or conducive to being well-fucked.
Anyway....
Meeting
Deity and I met on the dating site too. Out of the hundreds of options of guys closer to me - I ended up with one 95 miles away. How? It's a mystery. He appeared in the list of potential matches. I clicked his profile. It was intriguing. I saved him as a favorite and let the auto-generated message tell him so. He was a year older than my publicly stated preference. He replied anyway, and was just as smart and silly in his reply as he was in his profile. We exchanged notes. We exchanged emails. We started IM conversations.... and no lie... seduced each other with the suggestive use of binary and quantum physics. God, I am a nerd.
We made plans to meet for coffee in a town 1/2 way from each of our homes the next Saturday. By Friday morning, I cancelled those plans, and invited him for dinner at my house on Friday night. 1) I never do that! 2) WTF? Home address to a guy you've never met? 3) Dinner? No. Seduction.
First Date
He arrived a little late, having missed my house the first time he drove past it. He brought an overnight bag, an apple pie and ice cream for dessert, and a shy and nervous smile. I welcomed him in, poured some wine for each of us, put the vegetables on to cook, and we went to sit on the couch and chat.
I burned the vegetables. We chatted for all of 2 minutes before we were making out on the couch. Deity noticed the smell of burnt veggies and all he could do was laugh. I was somewhat mortified. I never burn the veggies!! We went to the kitchen, turned off all the burners, and went upstairs to my bedroom.
Sometime after 9:30, we came back down to eat dinner.
Essentially - I spent the weekend in bed with him... learning his body, and responses, and teaching him mine. Who was that confident and sexy woman? And have I been her all this time? And he is more than willing to learn, and please. It's intoxicating.
Truthfully, it wasn't the whole weekend in bed. For the sake of a publicly acknowledgeable first date, we went to a CD release party in Minneapolis at a club near the U of MN. Robert Bly was doing a poetry reading for it. We people watched.... highly entertained by the apparent three-some (handsome guy, two hot women) seated in front of us. That was when I discovered that Deity and I could laugh and joke and talk about anything.
Other Dates:
That weekend was followed by an overnight trip to the town where he lives. I got a hotel room, since he has teenaged daughters, and they would be home, and I wasn't going to presume what example he wanted to set for those daughters. Following the established pattern - lots of sex followed - and we went to a museum the following morning for a publicly acknowledgeable date. He invited me to stay the next night with him at his house. I did. I would tell you the story about the cat, and the dog, and the bed... but he asked me not tell. Suffice it to say - I laughed - a lot - but quietly so it wouldn't be as obvious to teenagers. They know... but it's a polite fiction to pretend your dad never has sex.
He's come back up to the Cities, and we've seen live music at a cafe in St. Anthony, made out in his van on side street in Minneapolis (Thank goodness for back seats that turn into beds, and shades that cover windows completely.), met some of my co-workers for lunch the weekend of my birthday, and met my parents the weekend one of his favorite groups was playing at the music cafe. He slept on the couch that weekend... but still.... thank goodness for his van.
I've been back to his town too.... usually for quick overnight trips after I drop my kids off for their week with their dad. But the Saturday I got to stay - we heard a fantastic Jazz quartet. Oh... so wonderful to share music with him!
So now what?
Deity is a great guy. I've fallen in love with him, and I know it. But there are still so many challenges, and unknowns. I mentioned a few of them above. He still has a year of grad school to finish. He might lose his house because finances are so crappy and his ex doesn't pay the child support she owes. His youngest daughter won't be out of high school for 2 more years.
I'm trying to consider what is best for him.... but not lose sight of my own needs too. If this was just sex, as it first seemed to be - it would be easier to step back and find someone closer. That is still tempting - before I fall even deeper and get more emotionally tangled up.
But then.... he also just told me that he loves me too. And he's been fighting it hard, all along. How much of this feeling of "Eek!!" is because I'm still not sure I'm ready to be loved?
Anyway.......
So far, Deity is THE GUY.... and I mentally follow that with a whole string of "However..." like the fact that he lives 95 miles away. And he's in school. And he's basically broke because of school. And his ex doesn't pay child support. And he's good in bed, but I can't have him every night when my kids aren't with me. Gas prices and distance are NOT convenient or conducive to being well-fucked.
Anyway....
Meeting
Deity and I met on the dating site too. Out of the hundreds of options of guys closer to me - I ended up with one 95 miles away. How? It's a mystery. He appeared in the list of potential matches. I clicked his profile. It was intriguing. I saved him as a favorite and let the auto-generated message tell him so. He was a year older than my publicly stated preference. He replied anyway, and was just as smart and silly in his reply as he was in his profile. We exchanged notes. We exchanged emails. We started IM conversations.... and no lie... seduced each other with the suggestive use of binary and quantum physics. God, I am a nerd.
We made plans to meet for coffee in a town 1/2 way from each of our homes the next Saturday. By Friday morning, I cancelled those plans, and invited him for dinner at my house on Friday night. 1) I never do that! 2) WTF? Home address to a guy you've never met? 3) Dinner? No. Seduction.
First Date
He arrived a little late, having missed my house the first time he drove past it. He brought an overnight bag, an apple pie and ice cream for dessert, and a shy and nervous smile. I welcomed him in, poured some wine for each of us, put the vegetables on to cook, and we went to sit on the couch and chat.
I burned the vegetables. We chatted for all of 2 minutes before we were making out on the couch. Deity noticed the smell of burnt veggies and all he could do was laugh. I was somewhat mortified. I never burn the veggies!! We went to the kitchen, turned off all the burners, and went upstairs to my bedroom.
Sometime after 9:30, we came back down to eat dinner.
Essentially - I spent the weekend in bed with him... learning his body, and responses, and teaching him mine. Who was that confident and sexy woman? And have I been her all this time? And he is more than willing to learn, and please. It's intoxicating.
Truthfully, it wasn't the whole weekend in bed. For the sake of a publicly acknowledgeable first date, we went to a CD release party in Minneapolis at a club near the U of MN. Robert Bly was doing a poetry reading for it. We people watched.... highly entertained by the apparent three-some (handsome guy, two hot women) seated in front of us. That was when I discovered that Deity and I could laugh and joke and talk about anything.
Other Dates:
That weekend was followed by an overnight trip to the town where he lives. I got a hotel room, since he has teenaged daughters, and they would be home, and I wasn't going to presume what example he wanted to set for those daughters. Following the established pattern - lots of sex followed - and we went to a museum the following morning for a publicly acknowledgeable date. He invited me to stay the next night with him at his house. I did. I would tell you the story about the cat, and the dog, and the bed... but he asked me not tell. Suffice it to say - I laughed - a lot - but quietly so it wouldn't be as obvious to teenagers. They know... but it's a polite fiction to pretend your dad never has sex.
He's come back up to the Cities, and we've seen live music at a cafe in St. Anthony, made out in his van on side street in Minneapolis (Thank goodness for back seats that turn into beds, and shades that cover windows completely.), met some of my co-workers for lunch the weekend of my birthday, and met my parents the weekend one of his favorite groups was playing at the music cafe. He slept on the couch that weekend... but still.... thank goodness for his van.
I've been back to his town too.... usually for quick overnight trips after I drop my kids off for their week with their dad. But the Saturday I got to stay - we heard a fantastic Jazz quartet. Oh... so wonderful to share music with him!
So now what?
Deity is a great guy. I've fallen in love with him, and I know it. But there are still so many challenges, and unknowns. I mentioned a few of them above. He still has a year of grad school to finish. He might lose his house because finances are so crappy and his ex doesn't pay the child support she owes. His youngest daughter won't be out of high school for 2 more years.
I'm trying to consider what is best for him.... but not lose sight of my own needs too. If this was just sex, as it first seemed to be - it would be easier to step back and find someone closer. That is still tempting - before I fall even deeper and get more emotionally tangled up.
But then.... he also just told me that he loves me too. And he's been fighting it hard, all along. How much of this feeling of "Eek!!" is because I'm still not sure I'm ready to be loved?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Liege
I met him playing a game - for the sake of brevity, assume any entries mentioning Facebook start the same. The game was loosely based on building a kingdom, attracting active players to your realm, and seizing inactive vassals from other players. Players form along liege lines, and can join alliances for help in war. Yes - medieval castle building and war theory - it's hot, trust me. Anyway, it's a game I started to play to distract myself from my crappy marriage. I had fun learning how to attack and seize vassals, and flirt my way out of serious consequence.
How did we even meet? I'll skip the boring details and simply say we started as allies in a war game. Eventually, my flirty nature and witty prose brought me to the attention of the alliance leader. We'll just call him Liege. He came on strong - it was flattering - and fun to feel sexy and attractive again. I resisted for awhile, feeling like it was flattery, and how could you REALLY know someone just from a stupid online game? Anyway, that was early March of 2009 - when *I* knew my marriage was over, but hadn't told anyone else.
[Side note: Everything else in this blog starts from what comes next - and yes, I really am amazed at how stupid and gullible I was.]
Relevant facts: Liege was married but separated when we met. He had a son from a prior relationship, and 2 young daughters. He lived in England.
Later in March... I had my birthday. Within the context of the game, that essentially meant a virtual party at my castle. Liege spent most of the day flirting with me, suggestively in public - explicitly in private. I didn't discourage him - it was the only sex I'd have on my birthday - and I knew it. (What *IS* it about birthdays that makes me think I need to get laid?)
Things got hotter, and more involved. We'd send each other private messages throughout the day - either in email chats or through the discussion board set up for our alliance. How things were going in our craptacular marriages, what we'd be making for dinner or having for lunch, how we'd fuck each other if we were ever in the same building. Eventually, we switched from just IMs to voice chat with Skype. Phone sex followed.
By mid-April, I was considering a trip to England to meet him, and by late April, I'd purchased a ticket.
Then May came around.... I had 2 intense weeks at work, my daughter got very ill, I was planning a garage sale to get rid of crap I wouldn't need after I divorced - and Liege and I didn't have a lot of time to talk. In the moments we could steal - I was too distracted to notice he sounded different - and he was too much of a chicken-shit to tell me his wife had moved back into their house.
Fast forward to the end of May.... I got a call from his wife while at work - telling me that they were back together, and I should leave Liege alone. I sent a message to Liege telling letting him know about the call. He confirmed it. I was crushed. The next day, I got called into HR because his wife had reported me as sending sexually explicit messages over university networks. I resigned. Partly to avoid the investigation, and partly because it freaked me the hell out that she could find me so easily.
I wish I could say that I didn't ever talk to him again. But I stayed in contact with him for another 3 weeks - trying to figure out what the hell he'd been thinking, and trying to convince myself it was love, not lust, or infatuation, or a need to be wanted and desired. I eventually got over that - unfriended him, deleted all of the messages, and blocked all contact.
What did I learn?
How did we even meet? I'll skip the boring details and simply say we started as allies in a war game. Eventually, my flirty nature and witty prose brought me to the attention of the alliance leader. We'll just call him Liege. He came on strong - it was flattering - and fun to feel sexy and attractive again. I resisted for awhile, feeling like it was flattery, and how could you REALLY know someone just from a stupid online game? Anyway, that was early March of 2009 - when *I* knew my marriage was over, but hadn't told anyone else.
[Side note: Everything else in this blog starts from what comes next - and yes, I really am amazed at how stupid and gullible I was.]
Relevant facts: Liege was married but separated when we met. He had a son from a prior relationship, and 2 young daughters. He lived in England.
Later in March... I had my birthday. Within the context of the game, that essentially meant a virtual party at my castle. Liege spent most of the day flirting with me, suggestively in public - explicitly in private. I didn't discourage him - it was the only sex I'd have on my birthday - and I knew it. (What *IS* it about birthdays that makes me think I need to get laid?)
Things got hotter, and more involved. We'd send each other private messages throughout the day - either in email chats or through the discussion board set up for our alliance. How things were going in our craptacular marriages, what we'd be making for dinner or having for lunch, how we'd fuck each other if we were ever in the same building. Eventually, we switched from just IMs to voice chat with Skype. Phone sex followed.
By mid-April, I was considering a trip to England to meet him, and by late April, I'd purchased a ticket.
Then May came around.... I had 2 intense weeks at work, my daughter got very ill, I was planning a garage sale to get rid of crap I wouldn't need after I divorced - and Liege and I didn't have a lot of time to talk. In the moments we could steal - I was too distracted to notice he sounded different - and he was too much of a chicken-shit to tell me his wife had moved back into their house.
Fast forward to the end of May.... I got a call from his wife while at work - telling me that they were back together, and I should leave Liege alone. I sent a message to Liege telling letting him know about the call. He confirmed it. I was crushed. The next day, I got called into HR because his wife had reported me as sending sexually explicit messages over university networks. I resigned. Partly to avoid the investigation, and partly because it freaked me the hell out that she could find me so easily.
I wish I could say that I didn't ever talk to him again. But I stayed in contact with him for another 3 weeks - trying to figure out what the hell he'd been thinking, and trying to convince myself it was love, not lust, or infatuation, or a need to be wanted and desired. I eventually got over that - unfriended him, deleted all of the messages, and blocked all contact.
What did I learn?
- Everyone is stupid when they have basic needs that aren't being met. I am no exception.
- Phone sex can be really fun.
- If you have an online affair - your real name should have no part in any communication.
- Don't work for a place that will publish direct phone information about you online.
- FB can mean Face Book... but it can also mean Fuck Buddy.
Viking
Earlier this week - I met a guy for drinks. It was a first meeting in person, after a couple of weeks of flirting, and getting to know each other over email. I was already emotionally involved with the Deity (post to follow about him later) - but Viking's profile was funny, and smart, and he had a great smile. So I sent him a note, even though I have a cat and he's allergic.
I thought it would just be a courtesy date, as recent discussions with Deity were about that "L" word that isn't lust and dating exclusively. I expected to go, and meet him, and have a pleasant time, and go home an hour later. I did not anticipate 6 feet 5 inches of very attractive, wicked intelligence and an ass that I wanted my legs wrapped around.
3 hours later... we'd had drinks, and dinner, and I couldn't stop my own leg from touching his. But it was late, and a work night, and there was the Deity's request of being exclusive to consider. We said goodnight. We kissed - just a soft, quick kiss that I wanted to be longer.
The next day.... I needed to consider reality - and sent him a note. The entire exchange follows, and is possibly the nicest "I can't be involved with you" note ever. That didn't help with the wanting, but definitely made the choice to pursue an exclusive relationship with the Deity MUCH easier to make.
------
How would you define these for yourself?
Long term dating -
short term dating -
activity partners -
I am faced with a sudden dilemma, in that I met you last night, and enjoyed myself greatly - but have been asked by a guy I've been seeing casually if I'd consider being exclusive. He lives in <city> - so there's some distance involved. I'm still considering.
------
Long term dating - I don't intend to marry again, but this might include living together and sharing households / financial commitments - anything from 'exclusive dating' on up to 'life partner' for lack of a better term.
short term dating - Fun & interesting to be around - strong physical attraction - may or may not be exclusive - perhaps a physical relationship - perhaps leading to the above category, but not necessarily.
activity partners - Fun and interesting to be around - minimal or no physical attraction - 'the friend zone'
Is the next question "where is
-----
It's the next natural question, yes.
---------
I was hoping to avoid having to answer that question.
A little background. I am (in spite of my engineering cred) at heart a hopeless romantic. I married my first wife, not because we were even remotely compatible or similar, but because I was head over heals, completely and absurdly in love with her - I couldn't bear the thought of not being near her always.
That has turned out to be the most drawn out, painful, costly, soul crushing decision I have ever made.
I vowed never again to listen to my heart in matters of the heart. I vowed that I would seek someone 'compatible' first and within that subset, look for someone attractive.
Somewhat to my own bemusement, you fall into the second category, but not the first. I had a wonderful time with you. I loved the fact that the whole time we were talking, your leg was pressed against mine and I could feel the warmth of you pressing against me. I am decidedly and uncomfortably aroused just writing about it now.
But you have kids, you have cats, you don't fit my oh so logical 'requirements' checklist in shape or form. My stupid reptile, chemically activated brain wants desperately to see you again and to explore the heat and release the tension that I know exists between us - my logical middle aged experienced mind knows that that is a recipe for disaster and I simply cannot allow any more disasters in my life.
If we do see each other again, it must needs be firmly in category three - activity partners - the friend zone - call it what you will, I can not - will not allow anything more between us. Anything more would lead only to hurt for you and I fear, might destroy me.
Christ that sounds so stupid and dramatic - like a teenager's meanderings. Apologies. Please understand, I do think you should agree to your friend's proposal - I can not give you the answer you seek.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
In the beginning....
You're jumping into a story that's already started. The relevant things to know about what has passed is this:
I was married once. I thought it would be for life. It wasn't. I am now in my mid-30s, finding myself wading through social networking affairs, online dating, real world dating, and the usual living that goes with a professional career and co-parenting young children.
Cast list to date (in roughly chronological order)
Liege
Lordlings
Latinos
Anniversary
Australian
Friend
British
Catholic
Dancer
Deity
Git
Drama
Viking
Posts and updates will happen as I have time to tell the stories. I'm not sure what order they will appear. It might happen just when I have time to write. I will be fighting my natural instincts to censor explicit content - because I want to remember that these things happened, and what I learned about myself from them.
I was married once. I thought it would be for life. It wasn't. I am now in my mid-30s, finding myself wading through social networking affairs, online dating, real world dating, and the usual living that goes with a professional career and co-parenting young children.
Cast list to date (in roughly chronological order)
Liege
Lordlings
Latinos
Anniversary
Australian
Friend
British
Catholic
Dancer
Deity
Git
Drama
Viking
Posts and updates will happen as I have time to tell the stories. I'm not sure what order they will appear. It might happen just when I have time to write. I will be fighting my natural instincts to censor explicit content - because I want to remember that these things happened, and what I learned about myself from them.
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