Anniversary

This is one of those posts that has been a struggle to write.  Why?  Because I regret my actions.  Because there's no way to justify or rationalize my behavior in any way that makes it congruent with my personal value system.

Getting the hard fact out of the way - I had an affair with a married man.  I had no intention of anything beyond sex. I didn't want him to leave his wife. He didn't want to leave his wife. I just wanted sex, and so did he. 

I am leaving out identifiable details of how and when and where I met Anniversary.  My own honor prohibits sharing details that might lead to his identity and jeopardize a marriage.  If they don't make it - I don't want it to be because of me.

The basics worth sharing are these - he is a man who is not happy in his life.  He loves his wife. He loves his children. He doesn't want to hurt them.  I met him when I was newly separated.  We chatted frequently via IM, and within the context of a game.  I call him Anniversary - because when that first wedding anniversary after I'd left my marriage arrived - my kids were with their dad.  I had no job.  I had no home. I had no sense that anything would ever work out.  In a moment of "What the hell do I have to lose?" - I made a pass at him.  He accepted it.  It really was an opportunistic thing.  A moment of moral weakness for me.  A moment of escape for him.

I can't say this was a one-night stand.  It was a short-lived affair.  He's a great kisser.  He has the bluest eyes ever.  He's terrible in bed.  I regret that too. Shameless thing to say - but it made it easy to not get emotionally attached to him, and easier to cut off contact when it became clear that *he* was starting to feel involved, and that his guilt was getting to be more than he knew how to deal with.

This was not me at my best. But it is part of me.