The Next Time

Tonight, I sent a note to Dancer to let him know the next time we are together will very likely be the last.  That was not easy to say.  Even harder was letting him know I love him - in a way that feels like family, but not quite.

I hope the lust goes away soon.  

There are still other stories to tell.  But this needed to be said.

a WHOA weekend - part 2

Things have not slowed down, and I am learning that if I wait any longer, there will be even more to write than I can keep up with.

So - that WHOA weekend...
Saturday was as planned, only full of fun things.  A textile garage sale, working on a baby quilt, taking a nap, getting dressed up for a delicious dinner with a girlfriend, and then plans to go dancing.
During the dessert course of the meal, I got a text from College asking if I wanted to come over for a game of scrabble after his kids were sleeping.  I said yes, finished the meal, went dancing for an hour, and was glad I'd decided to put on the fun stockings and garter belt set.

College lives not far from my house, and getting to his house was easy.  We did get the scrabble board out, and played, and while I waited for him to play, I would tease him by running my stockinged foot up and down his leg, inside his thigh.  We didn't finish the game.  My skirt went up, he ate me out, his pants came off, and we fucked on his living room floor.  He is a very uninhibited lover, and so very much fun to play with.    We gave up on playing Scrabble after that, and just went upstairs to his bed to sleep for awhile.  I woke up again several hours later when it started raining, we played with each other again talked for an hour about life, and sex, and families, and divorces, and I left a little after 4 when we heard his daughter talking in her sleep.  As far as Saturdays go, this one was nearly perfect.

I went home and slept for not enough hours.  My kids were due to arrive, I had to do my grocery shopping in advance,  Deity was coming over to visit because his oldest daughter was going to be visiting friends in the area and he wanted to see me - being more than a little freaked out about my multiple dates with College.   He arrived before my kids did, and I brought him upstairs to be naked together while there was still time.  (I give up thinking I'm slutty for liking the sex I have with different men.)  We talked about things between us.   He apologized for hurting me by stepping back from being exclusive, and asked if we could resume that.  He asked if I'd had sex with College yet.  I lied, and said no. I do regret that lie, but not enough to take it back, because it is different with College than it is with Dancer.

The net effect of the WHOA weekend is that I have no freaking idea what I want.  I can't be exclusive with Deity again yet,  because my heart is torn.  I can't just change my mind from the mode of "Can't Depend on, Can't Plan for, Can't expect from" with Deity back to "Life together."   And there are interesting possibilities with College.   Time will tell what the right path is.    But holy hell - I just didn't even know what to do with myself by Monday morning.  So of course, on Tuesday, I sent an email to Dancer to see if he'd be an available distraction, and he came over that night after my kids were sleeping, and I got to enjoy sex with no strings and no expectations.   As I type this a week later, it's entirely possible that was the last time I will have sex with Dancer.

a WHOA weekend - part 1.

I'm not entirely sure how to write this.  The last week has been a whirlwind.  I haven't yet written about 3 really hot and ridiculously fun encounters with Dancer since resuming a physical relationship with him. I really should because *I* don't want to forget. So, reminders to myself for later:

• Van in Minneapolis,  
• red and black slutty, 
• and late night sleepover

And I did meet someone new on OKC... except he wasn't new - he was a classmate of my at school. So we'll call him College.  He's also divorced, with 2 kids close in age to my own.  He saw me in his potential match list,  and sent me a note.  We decided to meet for coffee and catch up.   We flirted.  We talked.  We kissed when it was time to go home.  And then kissed again.  And again.  And he made me feel tingly, in a good way.  That was Tuesday.  We made plans to have dinner with each other on Thursday.  I told Deity that it was a nice night, and that I'd be seeing College again. 

On Wednesday, I sent College a text asking if he'd like to come over for a walk after dinner.  I did not tell Deity that.  Given the nature of the notes I'd been exchanging with College, it wasn't going to be just a walk.  I was right, it wasn't.   When we got back to my house, we sat on the couch, then I sat on his lap, and we ended up upstairs, naked in my bed.  It was good, and I don't regret it.  I have learned that if a man I date makes me tingly on the first date - there is no sense in pretending otherwise.  The payoff from that lesson is really great sex with some really great guys.   I digress... on to Thursday.

Thursday, College picked up Thai takeout,  I picked up a Scrabble game, and he came over for dinner and  playing.  The food was yummy,  the conversation enjoyable and entertaining, and I had so much fun teasing him. He returned the favor. We didn't finish the game... instead, I got eaten out in the middle of the living room, rode him after that, then we cuddled half naked and talked about languages, and foreign travel, and the benefits and draw backs of 50/50 custody schedules.   The conversation eventually acknowledged our mostly naked-ness, and we went upstairs to my bed.  Another digression... College is very good with his tongue.  

Friday was just, Friday.  I chatted with Dancer briefly, just to check in.  I chatted with Deity a lot,  because he was concerned about College.  I doubt he would put it in those words - but Deity knew about Dancer, and it was no big deal. My tone when telling him about College is very different, and I know it, and can't help it.  There is a strong feeling of possibility with College that I can't deny, and I can't lie to Deity about it either.

Anyway - that was Friday.  Dancer was going to be out of town. College would have his kids starting Friday afternoon, and Deity asked if he could come and visit.    I told him my Saturday plans, which were all fun things that didn't involve men, and told him if he wanted to, he could come up, but I'd be garage saleing, sewing, having dinner with a friend, and then going dancing.  

And.... I have to stop there for now.  I realize I didn't even get to the weekend part of this post - but it's late, and in addition to men - real life and work have been kicking my ass.   More to follow, soonish.

Unexpected

If anyone ever asks me what the most surprising thing that ever happened to me is... I have two answers.  The first was getting a divorce. That will be the socially acceptable answer.  The second answer is finding myself in an open relationship -- WHAT?!

The net effect of my discussion with Deity regarding the state of our relationship is that he and I will be seeing other people,  dating the ones that interest us, and sleeping with them if it's something that seems interesting and worth pursuing.  For now, given the distance between us, and his lack of time,  it seems the best fit.   When he and I can get together, we will.  There are no promises, and no guarantees, and maybe he will fall in love with someone else and I will be sad.   But who knows?   In a perfect world, he moves into the house next door.

Related to that - I suck at being platonic with Dancer.  We know that there is no "long-term" for us.  He is still hurting from his own divorce, and deeply in love with work.  I know that he can not meet my emotional needs.  The physical ones though?  Yes! More! Yes!   We are really good at getting each other off.  A large part of me is highly tempted to write erotic essays based on the things I've done with that man.   I begin to understand in a very visceral way the truth of not being able to quit something.  Fortunately (or unfortunately?)  that decision will be made for me when he moves to a more temperate climate.  The one I live in isn't suited to his long-term happiness.

Anyway... open relationship with Deity continues.  Physical relationship with Dancer started again (if a 3 week "break" counts).  Dating profile re-activated. And... we'll see what happens.

Once upon a time of starting over

'Tis the season for new beginnings.  A lot of people get goal oriented at the New Year, but for me, it has always been spring-time.  It's the start of my own personal new year, and a time for revitalizing life as plants start sprouting, and the snow melts, and the warmth returns.

So I am starting over, again - renewing a commitment to myself to seek out a relationship that is good for me, and healthy, and supportive.   I don't want to settle for emotionally available but physically distant,  or physically available but emotionally distant.  I don't need or want that anymore.  I don't want artificial walls, or barriers imposed by distance.

I have told Deity I need to step back from exclusive, because he is too busy to have time based on life events in his family.  I sent a note to Dancer letting him know that I can't fuck him because I need more than that in a relationship these days.   Not that it was a relationship -it was more than friends, but less than love.  Affectionate sex?   Something like that.  But if I do want a cup full of happiness,  I need to stop filling it with half-measures.

Screw the plan

I am a loser at sticking to the plan of telling Dancer I'm done.  I am not ready to be finished with him.  I don't know why there is so much lust involved. I don't know why I want to fuck him every chance I get.  But I do. 

Do I want more than that?  Umm.... maybe doing him more than once a month.  And someday, we might need to switch from carnal attraction to the strictly mental kind of interaction.  But it isn't yet,  and until I do have some kind of longer term commitment from Deity regarding a relationship - screw the plan of telling Dancer I'm done with him.   I'm not. 

Love should be simple

For as long as I can remember,  I have never believed in soul-mates.  I don't believe that there is only one right person in the world for each individual.  There are different kinds of love - some loves will be romantic, some will be brotherly, some will be nothing more than a general affection or sense of kindness.   So love can vary. 

What I have learned in the past several months of being involved with both Deity and Dancer is that I love both of them.  But I want to keep Deity for my life, and Dancer I expect to let go, because I don't love him as he should be loved.   And he has so much self-control that he won't let himself love anyone right now. 

I don't even know if what I just typed makes any sense to anyone other than me.  I am closer to deciding what it is that I need in my life - and that is a good thing.   Being cared for, and loved, and lusted after is so much better for me than just occasional lust.   Being honest with myself, that's really all I've allowed Dancer to have with me - knowing that whatever this has been, it won't last forever.

I haven't told Dancer this yet.  I am not sure how to find the words to say I can't touch him again.  They stop in my throat, and they are not words for an email or text.  That, combined with our stupidly complicated schedules means that these thoughts have been bouncing around in my head for a week, with no outlet, and no likely means for release for some time to come.

Love should be simple.  Why isn't this simple?