For as long as I can remember, when I hurt inside, I write.
Tonight, I'm hurting inside. It's a physical pain of sore muscles, a terrible headache, and a stiff neck and back. It's also an emotional pain of loneliness. It is human nature to want comfort in your hurts - and there is no one here except me tonight.
The man I want to have beside me is two hours away, and busy with work, and children, and school. I feel neglected, as he hasn't answered the two messages I've left yet - and pride will not let me send a third.
The man I'd settle for having beside me is only a fuck buddy. I daren't ask him to come over, because what I need is affectionate and healing touch - and I don't think he's ready to offer that to me.
So here I am - Pity, party of one. Sad, sore, aching, and lonely. I knew there would be days and nights like this when I left my marriage. I knew I had to be willing to face them. And I am. And I'm strong enough to survive this... it just hurts. I hurt. I want someone to care for me, and I hate the feeling that I'm not worth caring for. I know these thoughts are a legacy of that marriage I left - but oh my God... it's hard to get rid of them.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Dinner
So.... I don't have a crush on him. But there's still a strong dose of lust.
The answer for now is that I will still date Deity, and he will have priority in scheduling plans. Until it's possible to live closer to Deity, I will be playing with Dancer. I don't anticipate anything long-term or serious with him, but it's hard to resist the physical pull. Until I make a permanent promise, I will be having fun with both of them.
The answer for now is that I will still date Deity, and he will have priority in scheduling plans. Until it's possible to live closer to Deity, I will be playing with Dancer. I don't anticipate anything long-term or serious with him, but it's hard to resist the physical pull. Until I make a permanent promise, I will be having fun with both of them.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Innoculations
In the past month of resuming a friendship with Dancer.... this is what I know now that I couldn't figure out when I was stuck in "lust/crush" mode with him.
He is happy with the life he has. It is a life that is fun, and carefree, and late nights with friends. It is a "fancier" life than the one I lead. This isn't bad. It's enjoyable. It's no strings attached. It's a life that appreciates fleeting beauty and moments of pleasure. It's not a deeply entwined life that gets richer with time. It's not the kind of life I want.
My internal analysis says that Dancer prefers his life this way, with tenuous emotional connection to "others" in order to keep himself separate, and private, and safe. He is self-contained. He enjoys people, but only to a certain degree of closeness, and it's best to not overstep the bounds he imposes. He has close friends, and he clearly adores them - so it's not that he doesn't have feelings - it's just that he's very very careful with them. It's entirely possible that he will find someone eventually that makes him want to let his guard down - but I know that I do not want to throw myself against defensive towers anymore. I did that in my marriage. I almost broke myself trying to get in. I don't need to do that again.
And it's also pride for me - if you want to be with me - be with me. Work for it. Make it happen. He has enough other options that he doesn't need to be the pursuer. But at the same time- I might need to be pursued. I'm worth the effort.
Those are my thoughts. At least some of them. Anyway - it is nice to know that being friends again was the right choice. It has helped me to get over my crush and see with open eyes.
He is happy with the life he has. It is a life that is fun, and carefree, and late nights with friends. It is a "fancier" life than the one I lead. This isn't bad. It's enjoyable. It's no strings attached. It's a life that appreciates fleeting beauty and moments of pleasure. It's not a deeply entwined life that gets richer with time. It's not the kind of life I want.
My internal analysis says that Dancer prefers his life this way, with tenuous emotional connection to "others" in order to keep himself separate, and private, and safe. He is self-contained. He enjoys people, but only to a certain degree of closeness, and it's best to not overstep the bounds he imposes. He has close friends, and he clearly adores them - so it's not that he doesn't have feelings - it's just that he's very very careful with them. It's entirely possible that he will find someone eventually that makes him want to let his guard down - but I know that I do not want to throw myself against defensive towers anymore. I did that in my marriage. I almost broke myself trying to get in. I don't need to do that again.
And it's also pride for me - if you want to be with me - be with me. Work for it. Make it happen. He has enough other options that he doesn't need to be the pursuer. But at the same time- I might need to be pursued. I'm worth the effort.
Those are my thoughts. At least some of them. Anyway - it is nice to know that being friends again was the right choice. It has helped me to get over my crush and see with open eyes.
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