Innoculations

In the past month of resuming a friendship with Dancer....  this is what I know now that I couldn't figure out when I was stuck in "lust/crush" mode with him.
He is happy with the life he has.  It is a life that is fun, and carefree, and late nights with friends.  It is a "fancier" life than the one  I lead.  This isn't bad.  It's enjoyable.  It's no strings attached.  It's a life that appreciates fleeting beauty and moments of pleasure.  It's not a deeply entwined life that gets richer with time.    It's not the kind of life I want.

My internal analysis says that Dancer prefers his life this way, with tenuous emotional connection to "others" in order to keep himself separate, and private, and safe.  He is self-contained.  He enjoys people, but only to a certain degree of closeness, and it's best to not overstep the bounds he imposes. He has close friends, and he clearly adores them - so it's not that he doesn't have feelings - it's just that he's very very careful with them.   It's entirely possible that he will find someone eventually that makes him want to let his guard down - but I know that I do not want to throw myself against defensive towers anymore.  I did that in my marriage.  I almost broke myself trying to get in.  I don't need to do that again.

And it's also pride for me - if you want to be with me - be with me. Work for it.  Make it happen.  He has enough other options that he doesn't need to be the pursuer.  But at the same time- I might need to be pursued.   I'm worth the effort.

Those are my thoughts.  At least some of them.  Anyway - it is nice to know that being friends again was the right choice. It has helped me to get over my crush and see with open eyes.