What I have learned in the past several months of being involved with both Deity and Dancer is that I love both of them. But I want to keep Deity for my life, and Dancer I expect to let go, because I don't love him as he should be loved. And he has so much self-control that he won't let himself love anyone right now.
I don't even know if what I just typed makes any sense to anyone other than me. I am closer to deciding what it is that I need in my life - and that is a good thing. Being cared for, and loved, and lusted after is so much better for me than just occasional lust. Being honest with myself, that's really all I've allowed Dancer to have with me - knowing that whatever this has been, it won't last forever.
I haven't told Dancer this yet. I am not sure how to find the words to say I can't touch him again. They stop in my throat, and they are not words for an email or text. That, combined with our stupidly complicated schedules means that these thoughts have been bouncing around in my head for a week, with no outlet, and no likely means for release for some time to come.
Love should be simple. Why isn't this simple?
