Unexpected

If anyone ever asks me what the most surprising thing that ever happened to me is... I have two answers.  The first was getting a divorce. That will be the socially acceptable answer.  The second answer is finding myself in an open relationship -- WHAT?!

The net effect of my discussion with Deity regarding the state of our relationship is that he and I will be seeing other people,  dating the ones that interest us, and sleeping with them if it's something that seems interesting and worth pursuing.  For now, given the distance between us, and his lack of time,  it seems the best fit.   When he and I can get together, we will.  There are no promises, and no guarantees, and maybe he will fall in love with someone else and I will be sad.   But who knows?   In a perfect world, he moves into the house next door.

Related to that - I suck at being platonic with Dancer.  We know that there is no "long-term" for us.  He is still hurting from his own divorce, and deeply in love with work.  I know that he can not meet my emotional needs.  The physical ones though?  Yes! More! Yes!   We are really good at getting each other off.  A large part of me is highly tempted to write erotic essays based on the things I've done with that man.   I begin to understand in a very visceral way the truth of not being able to quit something.  Fortunately (or unfortunately?)  that decision will be made for me when he moves to a more temperate climate.  The one I live in isn't suited to his long-term happiness.

Anyway... open relationship with Deity continues.  Physical relationship with Dancer started again (if a 3 week "break" counts).  Dating profile re-activated. And... we'll see what happens.

Once upon a time of starting over

'Tis the season for new beginnings.  A lot of people get goal oriented at the New Year, but for me, it has always been spring-time.  It's the start of my own personal new year, and a time for revitalizing life as plants start sprouting, and the snow melts, and the warmth returns.

So I am starting over, again - renewing a commitment to myself to seek out a relationship that is good for me, and healthy, and supportive.   I don't want to settle for emotionally available but physically distant,  or physically available but emotionally distant.  I don't need or want that anymore.  I don't want artificial walls, or barriers imposed by distance.

I have told Deity I need to step back from exclusive, because he is too busy to have time based on life events in his family.  I sent a note to Dancer letting him know that I can't fuck him because I need more than that in a relationship these days.   Not that it was a relationship -it was more than friends, but less than love.  Affectionate sex?   Something like that.  But if I do want a cup full of happiness,  I need to stop filling it with half-measures.