Pity, party of One

For as long as I can remember,  when I hurt inside, I write.

Tonight, I'm hurting inside.  It's a physical pain of sore muscles, a terrible headache, and a stiff neck and back.   It's also an emotional pain of loneliness.   It is human nature to want comfort in your hurts - and there is no one here except me tonight.

The man I want to have beside me is two hours away,  and busy with work, and children, and school.  I feel neglected, as he hasn't answered the two messages I've left yet - and pride will not let me send a third.

The man I'd settle for having beside me is only a fuck buddy.  I daren't ask him to come over, because what I need is affectionate and healing touch  - and I don't think he's ready to offer that to me.

So here I am - Pity, party of one.   Sad, sore, aching, and lonely.   I knew there would be days and nights like this when I left my marriage.  I knew I had to be willing to face them.  And I am.  And I'm strong enough to survive this...   it just hurts. I hurt.  I want someone to care for me, and I hate the feeling that I'm not worth caring for.   I know these thoughts are a legacy of that marriage I left - but oh my God... it's hard to get rid of them.