And Viking is provoking additional thoughts. I sent him an email, challenging him to not ignore his heart. To my surprise - he replied, because he knew I'd seen the dodge in his first answer.
His second reply caught me off-guard, and is causing me to re-think how I am viewing relationships right now, and if I am being fair to Deity:
anyway - here is my worry - your current beau - he deserves your full attention - I do not want to be presumptuous or conceited - but can you fully commit to exploring the possibilities with him if you feel possibility with me?
I've been down that road (many years ago) and it SUCKS. I've been in relationships where I didn't commit to my current relationship because my reptile brain always thought - "well heck I have a backup!"
The most important thing I have learned in 45 years of living - in professional life, be polite, professional and have a backup plan to control/destroy/eliminate everyone you meet - in relationships - that backup plan results in your own control/destruction/elimination - in relationships you must be willing to commit fully - throw caution to the wind - else you are better off not committing at all.
Which makes me think this - Shit. I want to believe that I commit fully. But meeting Viking is making me question if I can do that with Deity - who has asked me to be exclusive, and verbalized that he loves me.... the night before I met Viking in person.
I feel like the most fickle woman in the world this week. I know I could have a good life with Deity. I know we are compatible. And yet... while I enjoy the things we do in bed....
I kissed Viking good night after our date - and I keep remembering how soft his lips felt against mine. I want that feeling again. That kiss was nothing like Deity's kisses. Is one of them only lust? Are they both only lust? Actually - I do fine with lust - that's easy to define, and let go when it ends. It's love that I think I'm crap with.
I will have to discuss this situation with Deity this weekend. There are no guarantees of anything with Viking - unless I am not involved with someone else. These are both "All In" kinds of guys. Son of a bitch, I wish this was easier.
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