Deity

Deity got his nickname from some of the skills he has.... carpentry, teacher, and a beard.  Jesus anyone?   These are the random things that come from discussing dates with friends who happen to be co-workers.
Anyway.......

So far, Deity is THE GUY.... and I mentally follow that with a whole string of "However..."  like the fact that he lives 95 miles away.  And he's in school.  And he's basically broke because of school.  And his ex doesn't pay child support.  And he's good in bed, but I can't have him every night when my kids aren't with me.  Gas prices and distance are NOT convenient or conducive to being well-fucked.

Anyway....

Meeting
Deity and I met on the dating site too.  Out of the hundreds of options of guys closer to me - I ended up with one 95 miles away.  How?  It's a mystery.  He appeared in the list of potential matches.  I clicked his profile. It was intriguing.  I saved him as a favorite and let the auto-generated message tell him so.  He was a year older than my publicly stated preference.   He replied anyway, and was just as smart and silly in his reply as he was in his profile.  We exchanged notes.   We exchanged emails.  We started IM conversations.... and no lie... seduced each other with the suggestive use of binary  and quantum physics. God, I am a nerd.

We made plans to meet for coffee in a town 1/2 way from each of our homes the next Saturday.  By Friday morning,  I cancelled those plans, and invited him for dinner at my house on Friday night.  1) I never do that!  2) WTF? Home address to a guy you've never met?  3) Dinner?  No. Seduction.

First Date
He arrived a little late, having missed my house the first time he drove past it.  He brought an overnight bag, an apple pie and ice cream for dessert, and a shy and nervous smile.  I welcomed him in, poured some wine for each of us, put the vegetables on to cook, and we went to sit on the couch and chat. 

I burned the vegetables.   We chatted for all of 2 minutes before we were making out on the couch.  Deity noticed the smell of burnt veggies and all he could do was laugh.  I was somewhat mortified. I never burn the veggies!!  We went to the kitchen, turned off all the burners, and went upstairs to my bedroom.

Sometime after 9:30, we came back down to eat dinner.

Essentially - I spent the weekend in bed with him... learning his body, and responses, and teaching him mine.  Who was that confident and sexy woman? And have I been her all this time?   And he is more than willing to learn, and please.  It's intoxicating.

Truthfully, it wasn't the whole weekend in bed.   For the sake of a publicly acknowledgeable first date, we went to a CD release party in Minneapolis at a club near the U of MN.  Robert Bly was doing a poetry reading for it.  We people watched.... highly entertained by the apparent three-some (handsome guy, two hot women) seated in front of us.    That was when I discovered that Deity and I could laugh and joke and talk about anything.

Other Dates:
That weekend was followed by an overnight trip to the town where he lives.  I got a hotel room, since he has teenaged daughters, and they would be home, and I wasn't going to presume what example he wanted to set for those daughters.  Following the established pattern - lots of sex followed - and we went to a museum the following morning for a publicly acknowledgeable date.   He invited me to stay the next night with him at his house.   I did.  I would tell you the story about the cat, and the dog, and the bed... but he asked me not tell.  Suffice it to say - I laughed - a lot - but quietly so it wouldn't be as obvious to teenagers.  They know... but it's a polite fiction to pretend your dad never has sex. 

He's come back up to the Cities, and we've seen live music at a cafe in St. Anthony,  made out in his van on  side street in Minneapolis (Thank goodness for back seats that turn into beds, and shades that cover windows completely.),  met some of my co-workers for lunch the weekend of my birthday, and met my parents the weekend one of his favorite groups was playing at the music cafe.   He slept on the couch that weekend... but still.... thank goodness for his van.

I've been back to his town too.... usually for quick overnight trips after I drop my kids off for their week with their dad.   But the Saturday I got to stay - we heard a fantastic Jazz quartet.  Oh... so wonderful to share music with him!

So now what?
Deity is a great guy. I've fallen in love with him, and I know it. But there are still so many challenges, and unknowns.  I mentioned a few of them above.  He still has a year of grad school to finish.  He might lose his house because finances are so crappy and his ex doesn't pay the child support she owes.  His youngest daughter won't be out of high school for 2 more years.

I'm trying to consider what is best for him.... but not lose sight of my own needs too.  If this was just sex, as it first seemed to be - it would be easier to step back and find someone closer.   That is still tempting - before I fall even deeper and get more emotionally tangled up.

But then.... he also just told me that he loves me too.  And he's been fighting it hard, all along.  How much of this feeling of  "Eek!!"  is because I'm still not sure I'm ready to be loved?